It’s a common myth that teaching kids about “stranger danger” will protect them from sexual abuse. The truth is that most of the time (over 90% of the time, in fact), abuse happens at the hands of someone the child knows and trusts.
There are strangers that are safe people…and there are people close to us who might not be. What kids really need to know is how to recognize strange behavior no matter who the person is.
By empowering our kids with the right tools, we can help protect them.
A common myth is that child sexual abuse is perpetrated by strangers, but 91% of sexually abused children are abused by someone they know.
Chat with kids about what to look out for and what to tell you about.
1. We’re a team
“You and I are a team, and we work together to keep you safe. There are lots of people in this world who want to keep you safe. They would not do things to hurt you. There are also some people who do hurtful things. Keeping an eye out for strange behavior is one way to tell if someone is being unsafe around you. Here are some clues.”
2. No secrets
“Surprises are things we’re not telling someone yet, but secrets are things we’re never supposed to tell. Adults don’t ask kids to keep secrets. Even if someone says they’ll do something mean if you tell, tell me anyway. I will be able to help you and keep us all safe. We are a team.”
3. Don’t help strangers
“If someone you don’t know well asks you for help, turn around and find someone you feel safe with. Adults ask other adults for help, not kids.”
If you don’t know anyone, look for a parent with kids or a worker with a badge.
4. Safe Pickups
“If I send someone new to pick you up without talking to you first, they will video chat me so I can tell you it’s okay to go with them.”
“If they don’t video me, that’s strange behavior. Don’t go with them and tell someone you feel safe with.”
As an alternative, come up with a “family password.”
5. Don’t go alone
“While it’s tricky to know for sure, it’s sometimes strange behavior when grownups want to spend alone time with kids.”
“If someone wants to talk to you alone, away from other kids and grownups, be sure to ask me or another adult you trust.”
6. It’s your body
“Only you and people who are helping you stay healthy, clean up or go potty can touch your penis, vulva or butt. If someone who isn’t helping tries to touch you there, that’s strange behavior. You can say “stop,” and tell me or another person you feel safe to tell.”
“If someone ever tries to touch you in these areas, you can say “stop,” and you can tell me. If someone tries to touch you on any part of your body when you don’t want them to do it, you can tell them to stop. If someone tries to make you touch them in a way that feels icky, you can say “no,” and you can tell me.”
“Even if it’s someone who we spend a lot of time with, tell me right away if something they do feels strange, or you’re just not sure about it.”
7. Walk away
“If you’re in an uncomfortable situation with another grownup or kids, or you just feel kinda weird about what’s happening, say you have to go to the bathroom and walk away. Come find me or another person you feel safe with.”
8. I am here for you
“It’s not your job to make sure I’m not sad or mad. If you’re worried that something you tell me will make me upset, it’s okay. I will figure it out.”
“We are a team, which means you are never all alone. If you feel like you can’t tell me though, tell another trusted grownup.”
9. I am on your team
“Remember: we’re a team. There are some scary things in the world, but there are also lots of wonderful and happy things.”
“I’m here for you, always.”
This is an ongoing, repeated conversation…not a one-time “big talk.”
Take it slow and focus on helping children feel safe and accepted while chatting.
“Stranger danger” is outdated.
While a stranger is someone your child doesn’t know, a “tricky person” can be both strangers and people we are familiar with.
Start having these conversations around ages 4 or 5.
Here is how to talk to kids about “tricky people” without causing fear.
What is a ‘tricky person?
A tricky person is anyone (whether we know them or not) who tries to trick you into doing something you’re not supposed to do.
When teaching your child about “tricky people” it’s important to teach them:
- Important signs to look out for (more on this later).
- To pay attention to how people act and how their actions make them feel.
- Whether or not they’re being asked to break safety rules.
Common signs of tricky people:
- Ask kids to help them (e.g., find lost pets, get groceries to their car). When adults need help, they will ask other adults.
- Ask kids to keep a secret and/or make threats (e.g., “If you tell, you’ll be in trouble/ I won’t talk to you.”). Explain that we don’t keep secrets, only fun surprises (e.g., like birthday presents), no adult
should be asking you to keep a secret, and they will never get in trouble for sharing a “secret.” - Try to arrange alone time with them. Teach your child that it’s best to have two adults present and/or other kids around. They should always get permission from you or another trusted adult before going somewhere alone with another adult.
- Says, “It’s an emergency! You need to come with me right now!” Teach your child to make sure to ask permission first before going off with Someone.
For kids 5& up, come up with a family password.
Explain that they are not allowed to tell anyone the password and only someone who received our permission would know it.
Teach them that if they were ever asked to go somewhere alone, to ask the person for the password first.
Common signs of ‘tricky people:
Ask you to do something that breaks a family rule or makes you feel uncomfortable (e.g., touch you in ways that feel uncomfortable, make you touch them, take pictures of private parts, etc).
The key to empowering kids (and not frightening them) when having these conversations is to:
- Frame the information as important skills they’re ready to learn now that they’re older and more responsible (start conversations around age 4).
- Keep the conversation positive & centered around “I’m teaching you this so you know how to keep yourself safe.”
- Role-play these scenarios so your child knows what it may sound like and how to respond.
- Always end with, “What questions do you have?”
If a child tells you about sexual abuse:
Believe them. Kids rarely lie about things like this. Let kids know you believe them, you’re glad they told you, and that you will help keep them safe.
Breathe deep. Kids need level-headed support in moments like this, as difficult as that may be. With your support, your child can minimize any traumatic responses they may have.
Get help. Contact local child advocacy services.
In the United States, call Darkness to Light at 1-866-FOR-LIGHT, or text LIGHT to 741741.
In the UK, call the NSPCC hotline at 0808-800-5000
In Canada, call Kids Help Phone at 1-800-668-6868, or text CONNECT to 686868.
If you’re worried you may potentially harm a child, contact the Sweet Water Foundation: 1-473-537-STOP
References
Afifi, T. O., MacMillan, H. L., Boyle, M., Taillieu, T., Cheung, K., & Sareen, J. (2014). Child abuse and mental disorders in Canada. Canadian Medical Association Journal, 186(9), E324-E332.
Child Welfare Information Gateway. (2021). Preventing Child Sexual Abuse.
Darkness to Light. (2020). Conversation Guide: Ages 3 to 5.
Darkness to Light. (2020). Conversation Guide: Ages 6 to 8.
Darkness to Light. (2020). Talking to Kids About Body Safety.
Darkness to Light. (n.d.). Being the Safe Adult.
RAINN. (n.d.). How can I protect my child from sexual assault?
U.S. Department of Health and Human Services. (2021). Child Abuse and Neglect Statistics.
Canadian Centre for Child Protection. (2014). Parent’s guide to supporting your child after sexual abuse.
