I am a mother of 4 boys – and it’s been the greatest growth journey of my life.
Unpacking my stereotypes, learning to listen to anger, holding space for aggression, and being around so much intensity, movement, and noise while also being in full adoration of my boys’ sensitivities, emotions, tenderness, and fragility. And learning to prioritize my own needs as a highly sensitive person so that I can show up for my sons.
Boys are just as sensitive and emotional as girls – but it may be expressed differently. They are less inclined to talk and process through words and discussion of feelings. They need movement and touch and BIG play.
Their anger and physicality can be highly triggering for mothers. It was for me! My greatest work as a mother has been making sense of my own suppressed feelings and beliefs so that I could learn to be more emotionally available to my sons.
There is no perfection in conscious-ish parenting. It’s messy, wild, and full of mistakes and our own anger, fear, and worry. It’s not always gentle and peaceful. Often it’s far from it. But it’s real. And it’s full of heart and vulnerability.
Keep reading for a small fraction of what I’ve learned raising 3 boys this far. (My 4th son guides me from the stars).
Boys are just as sensitive and emotional as girls it sometimes just looks different
Society ingrains us to believe that boys and men should be tough, hard, and closed down emotionally. Sadly this is still the message many boys receive – from parents, family, friends, sports & school.
We need to learn to nurture their soft, sensitive, emotional side – while also accepting their big energy, need for physicality, expressive movement, and yes, their BIG anger.
They need to cry and feel safe with you to let their tears flow.
Crying is healing. Teach your boys that crying is healing. Remind them they are allowed to feel sad and worried and fearful and lonely at times.
And remind them that you will always try to listen to their feelings – the tears, anger and worry. And also let them know you are not perfect and that sometimes you won’t be able to listen …but you will keep trying. You are learning too.
Anger and aggression can be healthy.
Tantrums, big meltdowns, hitting and fighting, slamming doors, punching things, ripping, silent treatment, disrespect, meanness. Yes it will trigger you – especially mothers who fear anger (this is many of us!).
But anger AND even aggression can be healthy. It’s life force energy. And its a journey to finding healthier safer ways to release anger. Coregulation is key. AND you doing your own anger work.
Shame and embarrassment runs strong for boys.
Try not to put them on the spot in front of others.
Notice when you are harsh with your boy because he is being loud, active, physical, jumping around. Try and redirect this energy rather than shut it all down. Yes I know this is HARD!
Boys receive messages very early that they are too much, too loud, too naughty. This builds shame.
They need less talking, more movement.
They probably won’t be able to “use their words” often – they need movement and fun and play and THEN they are more likely to connect and communicate.
They may say “I don’t know” and ” | don’t care” because they need a little longer to process what you are asking of them or telling them. Slow down. Surrender. Connect with them after some movement and play.
Conversations about winning and losing are vital.
Discuss how to cope with losing and the feelings around sadness.
Discuss that a sense of achievement is sometimes just as powerful as winning.
Stop saying “good boy” – instead notice the behavior and speak what you see. ie. “I saw how you missed the goal but continued playing.”
They will have meltdowns after school and big days away from you.
Meltdowns at school / event pick ups are normal and a healthy release – they have been holding their feelings in ALL day. You are their safe person to release it all too. Regulate yourself BEFORE you pick them up.
Be prepared for meltdowns in the car – if you have capacity, be ready to listen. If you don’t have that emotional capacity, have food, fun, icy water, calming music or funny props to bring in play and fun.
Dont’ take their behavior personally.
Some days they will just send you to your absolute edge. Anger, aggression, moods, disrespect, constant fighting, a punch ups!
Stop making it about YOU and your parenting or lack of skills. The fact that you are even reading this post means you care and that is enough. Your boys behavior is not a reflection on you. Yes you can guide and love and teach over the long term, set boundaries, learn more tools, seek extra help.. but stop taking it so personally. If you personalise it, you both end up suffering.
I’d love to know – what’s been your greatest learning in raising a son?