(parent snaps at kid, parent snaps at parent to defend kid, parents now in conflict in front of a kid…)
Anyone ever been here?
If you have been in this family dysregulation cycle and can’t see a way to something new or if you even struggle to know what is even happening!, this can be a good way to break out of old cycles.
Do you and your partner get stuck feeling missed in your experience? Do you even try to talk about it or does it feel too much like a lost cause? How does your conversation go? Or how do you worry it would go? Where do you find yourselves getting derailed?
Preventative: Parent 1 realizes they are escalating
“Whoa buddy, I am starting to lose my patience and my body is getting tense. This is not your fault, but I do need to help my body calm down and take a few big deep breaths. But I am not going anywhere.”
Preventative: Parent 2 practices regulating themself by describing what they hear and sense without stepping in
“Everything ok in there? Want me to come be with you?”
Mid-Cycle: Parent 1 Realizes they need help
To Partner 2: “Hey, you are right. I need some help here. We are having a hard time with this backpack and I am realizing my ‘help’ is not helping at all.”
Mid-Cycle: Parent 2 Practiced stepping in in a way where they stand shoulder to shoulder with Parent 1 offering their presence as helping to support the kid and partner
“I DO NOT KNOW WHAT THE MISUNDERSTANDING IS RIGHT NOW, BUT WE ARE ALL ON THE SAME TEAM
HERE.”
Repair: Parent 1 coming back to the family and apologizing for getting dysregulated. Explain what happened and invite opportunities to hear what it was like for a kid (and partner). Even offer kids a chance to do their best interpretation of you being dysregulated. (Explanations are not excuses!)
“Whoa… I got really angry back there, didn’t I? I got anxious about being late and I had a hard time and the voice that says, ‘I wish everyone would just do what I say so we won’t be late” took over. I am sorry I got so upset. What was that like for you? Want to tell me what my angry voice sounded like?”
Repair: Parent 2 coming back and apologizing to the family for getting dysregulated. Explain what happened and invite opportunities to hear what it was like for a kid (and partner). Even offer kids a chance to do their best interpretation of you being dysregulated. (Explanations are not excuses!)
“Well… that was not what I meant to have happened! I am so sorry. I heard Daddy getting frustrated and I wanted to come in and help everyone remember we are ‘for’ one another but instead I lost my patience. I am sorry. What was it like when I came in and made things even more tense? Yikes!?”
Remember having a few cues (alert) and cogs (the stop) ideally with something funny or inside jokes so you can remember that ‘we do still like one another and really are ‘for’ one another’ is tremendously helpful in this cycle.
Scripts like these are intended to be modified and practiced to find what works best for you, your partner, and your kid.
Save this, send it to your partner, print it out, and mark it all up with your edits, but do try to remember these stressful moments happen. But with practice, they can happen a lot less often and last for a lot less long!
