It is challenging to know what to say and how to respond when kids are angry and dysregulated. Taking it personally and feeling equally upset with your child is normal. Our impulse may be to reprimand them, set a boundary, and tell them how revolting what they are doing and saying is. But the reality is that whilst we see anger on the outside, on the inside is shame, hurt, disconnection, isolation, and pain. We do not want to meet our child’s pain with more pain by creating more disconnection and space in the relationship with them. As a parent we want to soften all our children’s falls, we want to be the safe anchoring amidst the stormy emotional waters.
Many people may be reading this and thinking, “I cannot let my child get away with this sort of behavior. I won’t let them talk to me or anyone like this”. The reality is that this way of thinking is old-fashioned. It breeds more shame and pain. There was never a time in anyone’s childhood when they acted in the wrong way, and experiencing more pain, punishment, and shame from a parent helped them feel better, learn the right skills to manage their anger, and feel good about themselves. If we want to discipline our children, we must realize discipline is the art of learning through boundaries, love, and connection. We have all said things we regret and did not mean when angry. What were we really feeling on the inside? At that moment we did not have the regulation skills or words to properly articulate what was happening for us.
When we can see our children’s true intentions and feelings, the hidden messages below the surface, we can be responsive parents rather than reactive. This way we can help our children learn the skills to regulate their emotions, de-shame their words, and help bring them back after a big emotion so that we can help them feel connected too, and give them the right tools to manage in the future.
